Renewing Intimacy in Marriage →

By Dr. Peter Kleponis

Every married couple wants to have a healthy marriage.  This means fostering healthy intimacy throughout the marriage.  Intimacy is the emotional connection between two people.  It’s where you both know each other thoroughly.  You feel completely safe with one another and can talk about anything.  When two people have this kind of intimacy, they will never feel lonely.  Most couples experience this depth of intimacy early in their relationship; however, as the years go by, that intimacy can fade.

A key way to renewing intimacy in your marriage it to begin a whole new courtship.  Start by recalling what it was about your wife that attracted you when you first met.  Recall her positive character traits, gifts and talents.  Think back to when you were dating.  What were the things you enjoyed doing together?  What made you laugh together?  What was it about her that made you excited to see her each day?  Many couples find it helpful to keep a shared journal where they can write to each other about all the good they see in each other.

Courting your spouse again requires spending time alone with each other.  Go out on dates regularly – at least twice a month.  A date need not be something elaborate or expensive.  It can be as simple as going out for coffee or going for a walk in the park.  What’s important is that you carve out time for each other.  It’s also important that both spouses pursue each other.  To help with this, I often recommend surprise dates for my clients.  With a surprise date, you schedule a regular day and time for your date.  However, you alternate planning the date.  For example, when it’s the husband’s turn, he plans a date that his wife will enjoy, such as going out to lunch and attending a flower show.  All she knows is that on Saturday afternoon her husband will be taking her on a date.  At the time of the date, he can then surprise her with an enjoyable afternoon. She experiences the joy of going on date that he planned just for her.  This required him to find out what she really loves.  In return he experiences the joy of giving his wife the gift of a day that was planned just for her.  His wife will then plan the next date just for him, such as touring a local microbrewery.  You can also plan dates together that you will both enjoy, such as attending a concert.  In each of these cases, spouses focus on each other.

A book that can help you in courting your wife is The Five Love Languages (2015).  In this book, author Gary Chapman shows how spouses can love each other better by understanding what makes them feel loved.  He calls these ways of feeling loved the Five Love Languages.  They are:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Acts of Service

4. Physical Touch

5. Gifts

Thus, if you find that your wife values quality time most, instead of giving her roses, you will make it a point to spend time with her every day.  Speaking each other’s love language will help you love your wife in ways she will notice and appreciate.  As your wife does the same for you, you will always feel loved.

The ultimate goal in this courtship is to rediscover the love you once had for each other and strengthen it.  This will renew your intimacy and help you become the couple you always wanted to be.

From Those Catholic Men

Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D., SATP-C is a Licensed Clinical Therapist and Assistant Director of Comprehensive Counseling Services in Conshohocken, PA. He holds an M.A. in Clinical-Counseling Psychology and a Ph.D. in General Psychology. Dr. Kleponis has over 18 years of professional experience working with individuals, couples, families and organizations. He specializes in marriage & family therapy, pastoral counseling, and pornography/sexual addiction recovery. He is Certified in the Diagnosis and Treatment of Sexual Addictions by The American Association of Christian Counselors’ Light University, by Dr. Mark Laaser’s Freedom Begins Here Program, and by Dr. Todd Bowman’s SATP program.

Dr. Kleponis has been a guest on several EWTN television programs including Women of Grace, Franciscan University Presents, Crossing the Goal, EWTN Bookmark, and At Home with Jim & Joy. He is also a regular guest on Relevant Radio’s On-Call program. Dr. Kleponis travels throughout the country educating people on how to win the battle against pornography through his Fighting Porn in Our Culture…and Winning! program. He is the author of two books, The Pornography Epidemic: A Catholic Approach (2012) and Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle Against Pornography (2014). Dr. Kleponis is also founder of the Integrity Starts Here Catholic recovery program for pornography and sexual addiction. He works with individuals and couples from around the United States and internationally in-person, by phone, and by Skype. For more information log onto www.PeterKleponis.com.